Don’t Look At Me

This world is not for the likes of me
I can try and negotiate but it makes no difference
I am frustrated and frustrating
Ask anyone

This small series uses archival imagery to look into the past whilst also reflecting upon the present.

Our old family albums are filled with photos of me looking pained and showing a reluctance on my part to be photographed. There are many images of me scowling, angry, distrustful and sometimes in tears and obvious distress. I have never felt comfortable with people looking at me. I have never felt comfortable in my body. I always wanted to be invisible to the world and found being forced to be performative in any way exhausting and anxiety inducing. 

There are the occasional smiles. But not many.

I find no comfort in this body
It makes no sense
I forget the rules
Of what to say and do. 
And it ends in mistakes
’cause they or I were broken from the start